I'll Wait, For Love's Sake
by MeredithBrody
Summary: Columbia is destroyed in the Onias System at the beginning of the Romulan War, but one crew member can't let go just yet. SassCaptains. AU. Character Death
1. Prologue

**OK. I found this fic languishing in my AO3 as yet posted here, and I actually forgot it existed until the wonderful foreveranna postulated a fic idea... and I sat and thought... "hang on I wrote something just like that last year". The title of the fic comes from the Trading Yesterday song "One Day".**

**Shin xx**

* * *

_Columbia_ was gone, lost with all hands and that news had all but paralysed Jonathan Archer. He had just sat staring at the screen, for once he was glad that T'Pol had been in the room with him. She had taken over the conversation with the Admiral, leaving Jon free to sit and reflect on the news.

The debris was confirmed as being the remains of her ship. There was no sign of any lifepods and the black boxes had all been recovered. 83 lives had been ended but all he could think about was the one life, on person, that had mattered to him. He had lost the love of his life. The one woman who had seen through every barrier he had put up and who had rescued him on more than one occasion.

He heard the sorrow and platitudes of Sam again, he'd known all about their relationship, and how much they had meant to one another. Jon heard T'Pol's whispered "I'm sorry, Jon" a few moments later, she also knew. He couldn't bring himself to move from that spot though, just because he imagined that if he didn't move it couldn't possibly be true. The denial settling in, and he almost couldn't bear to accept that _Columbia_ and her beautiful, amazing, vibrant Captain was gon.

The messages from Lita, Simon and Maria Hernandez began building up on his terminal even as he watched in silence. Erika's mother had outlived her daughter, her brother had lost his baby sister. Her sister-in-law no doubt unsure what to do and her nieces, all but babies, having to grow up without their aunt. Jon had lost so much more than that. He had lost half of himself. The half that reminded him that nothing was final.

He just sat still, staring, when he became aware of something over his shoulder. When he turned there was nothing there, just empty space and the rest of his ready room. The starscape beyond his viewport just a little emptier now that he knew Erika and her ship weren't out there. He turned back to his desk and paused with a start when the person who was sharing his ready room spoke.

_"Hello Jonathan. Did you miss me?"_


	2. Chapter 1

**So, INTO THE MAIN STORY. This chapter is all about _Columbia_.**

**Shin xx**

* * *

It was all over, that much had become pretty clear to her. Considering the circumstances of the end she felt rather peaceful. It hadn't seemed like anything had changed from one moment to the next, but she felt it, and one look at the others told her that they felt it too. The ship seemed to be in one piece, but everything was inconsequential and hollow.

She stood up from her chair and looked around, looked inward, and she saw the destruction of her ship. The momentary fireball eaten within a second by the oxygenless vacuum of space. The pieces of wreckage lazily listing away from what had once been her beautiful ship, and for a moment she was ready to give it all up. That was when she knew for certain they had died. All of them. She watched as the Romulan ships turned and warped away, confirming that her crew had been added to all the civilian casualties in this damned sector of space.

"How is this happening?" She asked herself, but she heard it echo around her bridge. Everyone looked at her and shook their heads clearly as at a loss as she was. Every single one of them had fear etched on their faces, and she knew it was still her duty to convince these men and women that they needed to let go. There was an inexplicable pull she was sure they all felt, but Erika wasn't sure where it was pulling her, and she wasn't sure she wanted to go wherever it was. Not yet at least.

"Are we really dead?" Sidra asked, sounding terrified, and all Erika could do was nod in her direction. It wasn't the best reassurance, and she was sure that it would be the last thing any of them wanted to hear. She was reminded how young her crew was, and now they had all been stolen away from their lives in the cruelest way, long before any of them should reasonably have been facing this situation. She looked to the floor, trying to think of something else to say, when she felt Veronica's hand on her shoulder before her friend stepped a little closer.

"They are all waiting on your order to let go, Erika. We can't stay here. You know that." Veronica's words were what she had needed to hear to release her crew, to let them leave for their futures, what futures they had the way they were now. Future was probably not the right word. They had a destiny though, and all of them now needed to go and face it.

"I know. They should go, you should go." She was certain her friend would fight her on the next point, but it was something she knew she needed to do before she would ever be able to let go of her life. "I need to stay." She wasn't sure how she knew it, but she knew. Hell she hadn't known the afterlife until this moment, so not knowing how she knew something was a very small in her current cosmic order.

It was clear that her friend, her dear, closest friend, didn't understand that. "Why?" Veronica almost demanded, and that prompted Erika to think for a few seconds longer than she had done. She needed to give an honest answer, and it didn't matter to her that maybe what she said could be constructed as selfish, because she knew it was the opposite- completely selfless.

"A Captain goes down with her ship, and I need to make sure that Jonathan is OK."

"You're dead, Erika. We're all dead. Do you really think he'll be OK?" Veronica's harsh words just made her even more sure that she had made the right choice, and that's what it was, a choice. The afterlife was clearly giving them all a choice, were they to go on, or live in an in-between reality. Watching the world but never really being a part of it. She couldn't accept that for any of her crew. She needed to make sure they were safe, but then, Jonathan was going to be her priority. For a second she closed her eyes and let the memory wash over her. The way he would whisper in her ear, kiss the tip of her nose when they were playfighting. The way he would hold her when one of them was upset, and the way he'd touch her as they made love. Things she couldn't forget, and things that told her she needed to let him go before she could let life go.

"No, and that's why I can't leave yet." She confirmed, and knew that the decision was the right one. Her thoughts, her life, they all told her that it was the one she had needed to make.

"What are you going to do, Erika?" Was asked, and the bravado of uncaring freedom that Veronica had been holding was broken. Erika would have recognised it in any of her crew, but especially her XO. Veronica needed reassurance too.

The question was valid, and she'd make sure that Veronica knew she had a plan. "Watch you all go, then check on him. I'll meet you there, Ronnie." She raised her voice and looked around her bridge, things already seeming to fade around them and nodded to each of her crew, hopefully setting them free. "You're free now. Go on, go and enjoy your freedom, and I will see you all there." She hoped, but she wasn't going to add that to her speech.

They all stood for a moment, looking between Veronica, Erika and Command El-Rashad. The _Columbia_ command crew. They needed to make the first move, and thankfully, one of them did. "Thanks for everything, Captain." Kalil said, stepping up and wrapping her in a very non-Starfleet hug before he faded around her, going on. She watched as the others on the bridge all gave some measure of farewell to her then faded too. Going on to whatever would be waiting for her when she let go. She stopped when she realised that Veronica hadn't stepped away from her side.

"You too, Ronnie." She said quietly, resisting the urge to pull her in for a hug. She wanted to say goodbye in any way she could, but it was harder than she'd expected to know whatever she'd be facing next she'd be doing it without her best friend, the one who had stood by her side every step of the way. It was too painful for her to even think about. She didn't want to imagine what it was going to be like- that would make her want to cross, and she had to focus on Jonathan for now. She needed to let go of everything.

"Are you sure you're doing the right thing, Erika?" Veronica questioned with worry in her voice, and that was the only thing Erika was certain about in this moment. She needed to do this.

So she nodded, certain in her decision. "I can't let go when I know how hard this will be on Jonathan. I need to see him through this, maybe through the war." She shook her head. She knew what she needed to do, she knew that he needed help, and that was what she was going to do. "When I know he's safe, I'll be able to let go of my life and then I'll come and join you."

"You really love him, don't you?" Veronica asked, and that was the ultimate truth. She loved him enough that she wouldn't have happiness until she made sure that he was OK. To make sure that he was able to survive this. That was her duty now, surely. A new mission. To ensure they were both happy in the meantime. Until they could be together again. She'd loved him since the day they met, 16 years earlier, and she still loved him now.

"He's the other half of my life." She shook her head and burst out laughing. It seemed like a terrible joke, she no longer had a life for him to be the other half of. "That sounds like a bad joke."

"It probably is. I'll be waiting for you, wherever we go next." Veronica said, narrowing her eyes slightly and looking over at Erika.

"We're explorers, Ronnie. Look forward to it. I'll see you soon." She smiled, reaching out and squeezing her arms. Wanting her friend to go on to whatever they had next. Be it a new life or salvation or nirvana. She didn't want to keep someone with her when she was the only one who felt the need to stay, no matter how terrified she was of doing it alone.

"I'll time you." She teased then began fading herself. Leaving Erika alone again. She walked through her ship, saying goodbye and encouraging the crew she found to cross over. When she was alone, absolutely certain she was alone, she knew that it was time she focus on where she wanted to go. She arrived on Enterprise just in time to see Jonathan receiving his notification, down as her next of kin. He clearly didn't respond well, and she wondered if he could even understand anything.

She wondered if he could see her, so she stood in the corner and whispered his name, then decided she should start using some of the real-world instincts she had left. She had always been able to make people see her when she wanted them to, maybe she should try that now. So she sat on the edge of her desk as she had a hundred times and concentrated for a second, willing herself into a visible form, then smiled as Jon turned around and the shock registered on his face.

_"Hello Jonathan, did you miss me?"_


	3. Chapter 2

**That was a bit of a surprise for Jon...**

**Shin xx**

* * *

_"Hello Jonathan, did you miss me?"_

He rubbed his eyes a few times and then shook his head like a dog trying to get water from his ears. It was simply impossible that Erika could be there. He'd read the reports that had been forwarded to him, he'd heard Sam give all the appropriate details. _Columbia_ had been destroyed, and even if that weren't true they'd been too far apart for Erika to be here now. _Columbia_ had been at Onias, out on the tri-border. _Enterprise_ had barely left Earth. Staring at her and blinking wasn't causing her to fade or to go away, and he knew he had heard her speak. So what was he seeing. Was this all in his mind, some strange way for him to construct a situation in which Erika wasn't really gone, or was it something different.

"How are you here?" He asked, more out of a need to say something than actually expecting an answer, he somewhat expected her to stay there in front of him then fade into nothing when he actually wanted something. When he _needed_ something. Once again he was completely surprised by what happened. She spoke, actual words forming and falling from her lips. Just different enough from what he'd hoped she'd say that he gained a sliver of hope.

"We both know the answer to that." She told him, using the same 'you're being an idiot, Jonathan' tone she'd used a hundred times, and he did know the answer. She wasn't real. Hadn't been real since the moment _Columbia_ had been destroyed. But she was real, too. This was surely a figment of his imagination, and if it was he would need to possibly see Phlox in the morning. But he couldn't believe that even his denial would be so great that he would create a version of Erika in his mind.

"You're in my head?" He half asked, half stated. While he was confident that was what she was going to say, there was still the off chance that she would disagree with him. It was a small chance, but it was still there. He wanted her to be real, or to at least not be a figment of his imagination.

"No. I'm dead." She said without a second, and that certainly would be Erika, facing her death as honestly as she could, and forcing him to face it as well.

"So you're all in my head." He sighed, shaking his head as he did so. He was confusing himself now. He didn't know if she was Erika, or if she was his mind.

"Stop being an idiot, Jonathan." He refused to believe his imagination would call him an idiot outright, plus, if it was his imagination she was wearing far more clothes than usual. 'Erika' glared at him for a few seconds then continued talking. "It's me and I needed to come here, I needed to see you." Maybe she wasn't in his head. Didn't that just open up more confusing issues? Maybe he should just take it on face value and accept that she was somehow both dead and there in front of him.

The one thing that was confusing him was that she was here. How could she be here if she was dead. "But you can't be dead if I'm having a conversation with you?" He asked trying to stop the growing probability that he would somehow make his own mind explode if he tried to continue wrapping his head around it alone.

"Remember when you used to think time travel was impossible? Well it isn't, and neither is this." A look he recognised well crossed her face, the expression that told him she was trying to figure out exactly how to explain something. She blinked a few times and then nodded, as if agreeing with the words she'd chosen. "I died, I died and when I was given the choice to cross over I decided to stay. I decided that seeing you was more important." She smiled again, and he understood what she was saying. That was what convinced him that Erika was Erika. She had always sacrificed her own happiness, her own future, for his when needed. "I didn't know if I'd be able to speak to you or if I would be left just watching you, but I decided I had to try."

"And now, you're here and we're talking? You swear this isn't in my head?" Even though he was sure now that the woman in front of him was Erika, he still struggled to believe this wasn't in his mind. How could he be speaking to her if she had died?

"I promise you, it's not. I couldn't leave without knowing that you were OK. You won't be OK until the war is over." That much she seemed certain of. He knew that they were all going to be in danger until the end of the war, but she seemed sure that he was going to make it to the end. Maybe it was wishful thinking on her part, or on his. This was confusing now.

The one thing he was beginning to understand through this was that she wasn't going to leave him, not yet. At least, that was how it sounded. "You're going to stay with me until the war is over?"

"Not permanently, I'll come and go, check up on you, watch my nieces grow up. Look over Simon and my mother." She smiled slightly at her mention of her family. A family that his message system told him he was very much a part of. He wondered what would happen if she saw them. Would they have a conversation with her as well, or was that reserved for him. It shouldn't matter either way, but he also kind of wanted to have something that was just his.

"Will they be able to see you? Talk to you?" He asked, even though he knew the question didn't matter.

"Probably not." Erika shook her head, and that told him that maybe, just maybe, he would have this to himself. He would have her to himself, for now. "I think this is only because of the connection we have to one another. The connection we've always had." She smiled, and he had to agree there. Since the day they'd met he'd known they had something. However hard they had tried to fight about. "You were my soulmate, Jonathan. I will always be sorry we never had more time for us."

"You were mine, from the day we met." He had always loved her, and he had always wanted her by his side. They had wasted ten years apart, the first six pretending the didn't love each other then four more pretending that Starfleet needed them to be apart. Now, they were forever apart. "I love you, please, Erika. Don't leave me." He asked, not really minding that he sounded lonely, he already missed her.

"I promise, not until you're ready." Her words imbibed him with a confidence he thought had been ripped away from him. She'd stay with him until he didn't need her. What she didn't know was that he would always need her. For the rest of his life he would need her. He'd always needed her.

"I'll never be ready." He replied honestly, and that was the truth. As she had said, they were soulmates, that was how this connection had been made. While he still wasn't certain that it wasn't all in his head, but if he could make himself feel better he would. He put his hand atop hers, not sure what would happen, and while he felt her hand there it felt inconsequential, as though the slightest pressure would drop his hand through hers and it would disappear. She put her hand against his cheek and kissed the other side lightly before she faded away.

_"I'll return soon, Jon. But you need to get through tonight alone."_


	4. Chapter 3

**Time passes and Erika is confused.**

**Shin xx**

* * *

_"I'll return soon, Jon. But you need to get through tonight alone."_

She stopped concentrating on letting him see her in that moment, and she watched him look around then slip back onto the sofa with one of the pictures of the two of them. She knew that he was going to struggle tonight, and she'd watch over him. But she also knew that he needed to accept her loss. He needed to work through the emotions and the pain that he had, and he needed to do that alone. While she was there he could pretend that she hadn't died, and while she knew that being here was important, she also knew he needed to accept that her physical form, her body, was gone. She was just her consciousness, her soul.

So instead of leaving him, she just watched over him silently. It was hard not to comfort him when she saw exactly how much he was suffering, when she saw his tears begin to fall and him wrapping himself in his sheets, biting a pillow so the sound wouldn't be heard. It was painful, to see how he suffered, but she knew that it was for his own good, and that without this time to heal he would never get over it. He would never be able to function properly without accepting it.

The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. She stayed watching over him, her heart breaking a little more whenever she saw him struggling over her death, over the fact that she couldn't be there to help him, to protect him, more than she was already doing. She hated that this was happening to him, and in some ways she wished she hadn't been around to see it, because she sometimes needed to hope that things were easier than they were. That was when she would escape to her family. She would go and sit and watch Simon with his girls. Both growing. He told them stories about her, and she wondered how common those stories really were.

It took 11 months and 4 days for her to realise that this one day she needed to stay in her watch post and wait for him. He was coming to visit, but she knew beyond all doubt that it wasn't his time to join her. He'd been caught in something, she didn't know the details and right now she didn't want to know. All she did know was that she needed to be there to send him back. He was still needed by Starfleet, and that was what was important, and always had been, for both of them.

She was still waiting, and soon she saw him ambling up toward her, studying what was around them. "Is this your world?" Jon asked as he came into view and all she could do was shrug and smile before looking around the rather bare area that she had made into her temporary watch post, at the gates to the end and the passageway to the living. She hadn't had to explain it to anyone before, those who visited her from beyond already knew what this was, and nobody she cared about had come through yet.

Right now though, Jonathan was there, and she wanted him to understand that this was temporary. Just for how their lives were right now. She wouldn't be living in this blank room forever. "For now. This is where I spend my time when I'm not looking in on anyway." She smiled a little and stepped forward a little, keeping him away from her area on the edge, knowing that if he got too close that was it, it was over. She stood a better chance of convincing him the further away she kept him.

"It's been almost a year Erika." Jon said with worry in his voice, but she wasn't sure what the worry was for. Eternity was just that, eternity, and time passed at a different rate here. It went as fast or as slow as she wanted it to go, and she could literally freeze a moment if she put enough thought into it. That was what she was doing right now. To give him time to decide. He didn't know that eternity was eternity, not yet. He'd learn one day, but hopefully that day wouldn't be today.

The one thing that didn't matter was her own time. She knew it had been passing in the world of the living. She'd seen that when she'd checked on Simon and his girls. Seen how big they were getting without her. But that wasn't a sign that she needed to go to the after now. She still knew that she needed to wait, and that when the time was right she would know. "I know. It's still not time for me to go. I told you I'd be staying until the end of the war."

"This place is so dull." Jon commented after a minute, just spinning on the spot and looking around. It was a little, still. Not always, but mostly it was like this, until she had needed something then it could be lively and fun. She didn't spend that much time here though. She was too busy checking on people, and learning as much as she could about the war that she was missing. What time she did spend here was normally spent with members of her crew. They all knew that she had chosen to stay behind, and they made it as interesting as they could when she was busy.

"The others visit with me from time to time, it's not always this quiet." Jon clearly understand the 'others' were her crew, her friends from _Columbia_. She didn't feel the need to mention that AG had visited her too, and given her an earful about never letting Jon get into his own trouble. That had been a bittersweet reunion.

While she thought, it was obvious he was thinking too. "Why am I here?" Jon asked, and she winced a little, she hadn't wanted him to ask that question, because she couldn't lie to him. She wasn't entirely sure what the truth would do for him though, and it could push him into deciding to join her for good. At this point it was all his choice, but she knew she didn't want him to stay, but at the same time she did. She took a deep breath and admitted that she needed to tell him the truth.

"My guess is, you're dying. But you won't be joining me yet, it's not your time." She knew that, and was going to keep pressing that. She finally stepped up and stopped right in front of him. Looking up at him and hoping that he just took her at her word.

"How do you know?"

She had to try and think of a way to say what she hoped, without it being obvious that she was trying to push him in one direction. If she had the choice he wouldn't even know he could have gone on. "Call it a gut feeling."

"You haven't visited me in a while." He said a little sadly, and she reached up to place a hand on his cheek. Of course she had. She'd hardly been away from him. She just knew that he needed to start letting go, and if she was showing herself to him, he wouldn't be able to do that. She had seen the strides he had taken, the progress he'd made, and she found herself swelling with pride when she thought about it.

"I have, almost every day. I just don't show myself. You're getting on fine without me."

"On the surface, maybe. I need you Erika. I've always needed you."

"You're doing fine, Jonathan. I'm still here, and if you ever need me all you need to do is say my name and I'll be there." She said, her hands lifting his chin until he was looking at her, and after a moment he just kissed her, she wondered if he felt like he needed to hold her one more time in case he never got to do it again. It didn't matter that they were here, and that she was staying around him, this was the first time she had felt real in all these months. She returned his kiss with as much passion as she could and felt secure once more. She wasn't sure if minutes passed or hours before she stepped back and shook her head. "It's time Jon."

"I don't want to go." He said honestly, reaching for her hands just so that he had some contact with her, she knew him well enough to know that. So that he had some way to know that they were OK, that they would be able to get over this hurdle. He didn't want to wake up, didn't want to leave her. But he knew she was right, and what she was saying was for his own good. For the good of everyone they knew.

"You have to, its not your time to join me yet, they need you." She motioned back the way he had come to find this place. Wherever it was that Erika imagined this place to be when she wasn't concerning herself with what he was doing, with what the rest of their family were doing. She knew he was going to have to go back, but she had at least gotten to do something she'd thought she'd never be able to do again. He'd held her and kissed her and seen that she was safe too.

"It's nice to get to kiss you, just one last time." He smiled, squeezing the hand that he still held and trying to smile. She was trying not to regret the fact that he hadn't died, that he wasn't joining her for good. It was the last thing she wanted, but that momentary reminder that they loved each other had caused her to feel every second of sadness. Truly remembering that they weren't able to do that all the time. They'd held one another, and that was enough for right now.

"You will again one day. Promise me you'll be more careful." She almost begged him. She knew he couldn't guarantee he wouldn't end up here again, but he could be sure that he'd try not to be, for her.

"I'll try." He mumbled and kissed her again as her constructed world around him begin to fade. Erika just stepped back and waved until he wouldn't be able to see her any longer. Where he returned to she knew he needed her to be there as well. But for the moment he couldn't know she was there, and nobody else should know she was there. She needed to watch this moment, and be certain that he was alive, that he wasn't going to be returning to her watch post. That was all that mattered to him now, and as he began to come around she heard it, and knew that he had needed her here as much as she needed to be here.

_"Erika."_


	5. Chapter 4

**Jon tells Trip what's going on.**

**Shin xx**

* * *

_"Erika"_

He'd called for her upon waking up. Unable to focus on the fact she couldn't be there. He saw the shadow of her presence beside him, and a gentle kiss on his forehead before he came round fully. She was there and that was enough for him. He wasn't sure what he was saying, nor who he was saying it too. But he knew that he was saying the things he needed to get off his chest.

It took three weeks for him to get to this point, where he was sitting in the semi-darkness with Trip, just thinking about what had happened over the last year. Tonight was the night. Exactly a year since Columbia's destruction, and Jon was feeling that distance. It was hard to think that it had been exactly one year, two months, one week and four days since he'd last seen Erika. The real living Erika.

He also knew that Trip had been affected by the destruction of Columbia, not in the same way that Jon had, but in an equally powerful way. Trip had served there, however briefly, and had made friends with the crew. He'd had his position, and the loss of so many of his friends at once had no doubt flung him back to losing both his sister and his daughter, despite the length of time between them all.

"Do you miss her?" Trip asked out of the blue. Nodding toward the picture of Erika that was in a prominent position beside the computer terminal on his desk, the only source of light at this point in their night. They tended to avoid any serious conversations, but sometimes they needed to talk seriously. Sometimes they needed to let it out, and Jon was grateful his friend had realised that he just needed to talk.

"Erika? Every single day." He clarified a little unnecessarily. They both knew who he was going to talk about. The truth was that even with Erika's visits he missed her. He missed pulling her into his arms and feeling her against him. He missed kissing her when he needed to feel better. He missed her supporting him when she agreed with him, and kicking his ass when she thought he was wrong.

"You were asking for her, after your surgery." Trip interrupted his internal monologue, reminding him of waking up and feeling Erika's kiss on his forehead. Of shouting for her until he'd drifted back to sleep and woken up more clear headed. He debated on what he should tell Trip about that.

"I saw her. When I was out." He shook his head, wondering if he sounded like he was crazy. He knew though, he knew that it was actually her. Her attitude had convince him of that. "She was the one who said I was dying, then told me it wasn't my time, sent me back." He paused and took another drink. Meeting Trip's eyes as he lowered his glass and uttering the end of that story. "She told me she'd stay with me until I was safe. Until the end of the war."

Trip just held his eyes a few minutes long then shook his head and looked away with a sigh. Jon sat and wondered what could possibly be affecting him. He knew there was a lot of loss in Trip's life. His sister and his daughter most prominent. The two Elizabeth Tucker's. Jon just waited, not wanting to press Trip into a response before he was ready. He knew this conversation wasn't easy for either of them, so he was willing to give Trip time if it was needed. "I'm a little jealous." He said finally, and all Jon could do was give him a questioning look. Out of everything that had been the last thing he'd expected to hear. He wasn't sure how anyone was jealous of his current situation.

"Of me and Erika?" He had to ask, because he was so confused about Trip's statement. Instead Trip sat and shook his head then leant forward, his elbows on his knees.

"Of the fact she spoke to you like that. When I had that injury in the expanse Lizzie never spoke to me."

"Erika said she couldn't speak to Simon. So that may not have been Lizzie's fault." He felt the need to defend Trip's sister, only because he'd met Lizzie, and he knew that if she'd have a chance she would have spoken to her brother the way Erika spoke to him. "She could have been cheering you on like the rest of us. Rike hypothesised that it was our relationship that made it possible for us to communicate." He agreed with her hypothesis. She'd been the one to bring him back, and for the next 2 years she had been everything that was good in his life. The last year had been the hardest, sitting on all of this.

"It must be hard, being without someone who was that big in your life?" Trip asked, and Jon nodded. Taking a minute to empty his glass then pick up the picture of Erika he had, and ran his fingers over her. The brief reunion in purgatory or wherever it was that Erika spent her day hadn't dimmed his desire to hold her for good, but his photographs were all he had.

"I miss her, even when I feel her presence I miss her." He muttered after a while, and he felt his eyes fill. He hadn't wanted to admit this, but he also knew he needed too to heal. He took another breath and thought about his life. "I get on with my life and my career but it's all in her memory. Whatever I do will be for her."

"That's a pretty high level of dedication. I don't think I've ever felt like that."

"I didn't know I felt like this until she wasn't here any more. Sure I knew I loved her, and I knew that she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. But I didn't know how much she meant to me until I was being told that Columbia had been destroyed." He hated reliving that moment. He had known something was wrong for days, but nobody had told him anything until he'd gotten the call that her ship had been destroyed. "At that moment the dread and emptiness I'd been feeling were all explained, there was an Erika Hernandez sized hole in my life."

"At least now you know she's waiting for you."

"Lizzie is waiting for you too, Trip." He smiled at his friend, and if there was anything he knew it was that. If Erika could wait for him, Elizabeth would be waiting for her big brother, probably helping her niece along with her. Jon couldn't really reassure Trip any further than what small things he'd gained from his five minutes in Erika's world. Seeing how she lived while she waited for him, and some of her words flashed through his mind once more.

_"I don't know much about the afterlife, but waiting there is no problem. Time is different, it moves differently, and I will always be waiting"_


	6. Chapter 5

**Erika watches the end of the war, and tells Jon it's time to say goodbye.**

**Shin xx**

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_"I don't know much about the afterlife, but waiting there is no problem. Time is different, it moves differently, and I will always be waiting"_

The years were passing and Erika sat and watched every battle, every troop movement. Every time Jon was injured or his ship was in danger. She hated watching. She hated waiting. She knew that he made it through the war, how she knew she wasn't sure of, but she knew. Maybe her mother had been right for all these years and she knew because some sort of God was telling her these things. She didn't want to dwell on the semantics, she just wanted to know that Jon was safe. All those years had been hard on her. She had worried and panicked and known that no matter what there was nothing she could do. She couldn't help him at all, but she still watched anyway. Occasionally being a verbal sparring partner if he needed it, and he'd needed it a lot.

So she stood in his ready room, knowing he would be here in a few minutes. She knew that it was time for her to go. The war was over and he was safe now, she was certain of that. This wasn't going to be the easiest of conversations, but she knew that it needed to be done. She couldn't just go. She had to tell him why. He deserved that much, and she wasn't sure how she was going to cope without him too. That was the problem. She was just standing there when he walked in, a smile still on his face, and if she wasn't already so certain that this was the time, his smile would have convinced her. He might not have been contented, but he was happy. "You're here?"

"I am." She smiled slightly, nodding a little, and she wasn't sure what else to do. She hadn't expected seeing him to be so painful. She hadn't expected to have her breath stolen just by seeing him despite the fact she'd known he made it. She took a deep breath as his eyes narrowed in her direction. He clearly remembered her words, that when the war was over she needed to leave. Had he thought it would be instantaneous? That the war would be won and she would cross. That had never been her plan. She needed to say goodbye, needed closure.

"Why?" He asked eventually, but not after seeming to study her. She wondered briefly if he had thought all this time that she was all in his mind. That she was only here to give him a sparring partner. Maybe so, but he'd see when it was time. He'd realise that she had had to stay with him. He would have done the same. So her answer was an easy one.

"Because the war is over. You'll sign the official peace in a few months, but there will be an armistice agreement sent by the Romulans today." She nodded, knowing things for certain now. The timeline she could see was no longer in flux, and she knew what was in Jonathan's future, maybe not the details, but she knew that there was a greatness in his future that she wasn't going to be able to stand in the way of. She would watch from a distance, but he needed to stand on his own. She thought for another moment about the Romulans, and how they felt about this defeat. It was terrible for them, and it would remain in their societal memory for far longer than the victory would remain in Earth's. "They were humiliated here, and they know that."

Jon looked worried, and it was probably her pronouncement that the war was over, that there would be no more suffering of the type. Not for him. "There will be no more battles?" He asked, seemingly not sure whether or not to believe her or not. This time she knew, she was certain and she probably knew more about what his post-war career was going to be than he did.

"Not for you. Not in this lifetime anyway." She said with absolute certainty before picking up on his uncertainty and smiling again. "You've done your share of the fighting, Jonathan. With the Xindi and the Romulans. You've done more than most people ever will. Take pride in that, but it's over for now. You have other things to do." He was going to go on and do great things. He'd always been destined for greatness in a way that she never had been. She'd hoped that, maybe, she would have been able to stand beside him. Apparently not.

"So it's time for you to go." The sadness that crept into his voice again made her question all the decisions she'd made. All of them. But at least she was guaranteed that Jon would go on to do great things.

"Yes. I think I can cross over now. I know that I can return still, from time to time, just to check up on you. But you might not be able to speak to me, or even see me, once I do."

Tears sprang almost instantly to his eyes, and she needed to take a second to remember that she couldn't comfort him the way she once would have. She would have wrapped her arms around him and let him cry into her shoulder. Now, all she could do was wait. "I love you so much, Erika."

"I know, and I love you too. More than I have ever told you, more than I possibly ever could tell you. But I have to go." She tried to smile, to reassure him that this was the best thing, that this was exactly what they both needed. She couldn't stay here forever, even though she wanted too, and he needed her to leave although he wouldn't admit it.

"I don't want you to go Erika, not tonight. Please don't go." He mumbled, and she almost caved, it was hard to see him in that much pain, to see him suffering that much and all because she would be leaving him, possibly for good, was all but too much for her to bear.

"Jonathan, I have too, you know that." She reached out and placed her hand on his chin. She couldn't really feel anything, but the motion made her feel better about trying to comfort him. "This isn't forever. I promise. We'll see each other again." She knew that was true, because she would wait for him, as long as she needed to do. He was worth it.

"When? I don't know if I can do all of this without you." He cried, his tears beginning to slip down his face, and she wished she could wipe them away. Tell him that she'd never leave him, but she knew that was a lie. She was going to have to leave him, and watch him from afar.

"Then do it for me. You can and will do great things, Jonathan. Don't forget me, but you have to move on with your life, and do everything you can to make the universe a safer place. You can do it, I know you can." She muttered, wishing for a moment that she could hold him. Kiss him lightly and tell him that nothing mattered as much as him being safe, and doing what he needed to do. What she knew he could do, he'd always been destined for this. "You can do it Jonathan, you don't need me here for it." She continued, resting her palm against his cheek and realising how translucent she looked beside him.

"I miss you already. I'll see you again." He said and she felt her own tears sliding down her face but she knew she had to go. The tug she'd felt since she died was getting stronger by the minute, and it was time she finally move on to the next world. She didn't know exactly what it would be, and her crew who'd visited her had each described it differently. So she didn't know which one it was. She just wanted to say goodbye before she left him. His last words were a combination of a question and a statement, and all she could do was smile slightly through the tears and think of the last words she'd say to him now.

_"You'll join me when your time comes."_


	7. Chapter 6

**Jon adjusts to knowing Erika has moved on. This is the penultimate chapter XD just a small epilogue after this. AE, of course the epilogue is your thing.**

**Shin xx**

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_"You'll join me when your time comes"_

Her last words followed him around for days, and whenever he was alone he couldn't help but look around for the echo of her in the room around him. He hadn't thought she had been that present around him over the last few years, but judging by how much he was missing her already he was woefully wrong.

Looking at the four walls of his quarters was only adding to his current restlessness, and so he decided that going for a walk might help clear his head, or at least exhaust him to the point where he could sleep without having to see Phlox again. He didn't want to depend on sedatives to sleep when they got back to Earth, so trying to work it off was the best idea. He just let his feet guide him, thinking about nothing in particular and letting them lead him through his ship.

"You look like someone kicked Porthos." Trip commented as he walked into engineering, he hadn't even realised that's where his feet had been taking him. He had just been walking, trying to clear his head. Maybe that was why he was here after all, at least Trip would always listen to woes.

"I'm just-" He trailed off with a shrug, slipping into the chair beside the workstation where Trip was working. Dropping his PADD to the table there. Hoping it wasn't going to be in the way, maybe that he wasn't going to be in the way too.

"What's bothering you Jon?" His friend asked with absolutely no preamble, and it was nice for him to know that he could always count on Trip for not beating around the bush. Especially when maybe it was obvious that he had something on his mind. That was the sign of a good friend.

"Erika's gone. Moved on." He almost whispered, trying not to lay it all on Trip, but needing to finally say those words. He felt the catch in his voice, and was almost certain that had transferred into what he'd said, but all Trip did was look at him for a minute longer and narrow his eyes. Giving him a look that told him that he was thinking hard. He was trying not to let it all out already, but a few breaths steadied him, and Trip waited for Jon to be ready to go.

"Didn't she say she'd only stay until the end of the war?" Trip asked, his memory as good as ever. Jon was fairly sure he'd only mentioned Erika's terms once, several years ago, right after Columbia's destruction. Had he expected the war to continue until his death? Maybe. That would have explained Erika's presence more than it had been so far.

"Yes." He shook his head and tried to fight the urge to get up and pace the length of this section of engineering, it was never the nicest thing to think of, but he couldn't help it. He kept thinking that he might see her once more. Just telling him what he needed to hear. Especially now she had said that he was going to great things. "Maybe I just got accustomed to her being there. Coming and telling me when I was an idiot."

"You should be glad you had that." Trip said, and Jon knew that he should be, knew that he was, if right now a little put out about the fact that it was all over. That he didn't have that comfort any longer. he wished he did, but it was so hard for him right now to think of anything positive. That was the main reason he had found himself down here in Engineering. Hoping for someone to convince him that not everything was going to hell.

"I am. I just, I miss her already." He admitted. Maybe 'already' was a bad word to use. She'd technically been dead for more than 5 years, but he had only felt her loss in the last 2 weeks. He hadn't heard her voice or seen her ghost for 12 days, and they had been the only days he had really felt her loss. Felt the fact she wouldn't be coming back.

"She'll be back, in time. I'm sure." Trip told him, giving him a slight smile. He hoped he was right, because there was nothing more he wanted right now than to see Erika's smile. He was being quite pathetic right now, but he couldn't seem to stop himself from dwelling on all the things they could have had, that could have been.

"She told me I was going to do great things. When she was saying goodbye." He mentioned, shaking his head. There was something that was not going to come true. Out of all of Erika's predictions this was the hardest one for him to believe. He couldn't think about doing anything now. he couldn't. It was foreign to his thinking.

"Well, she was always the smartest one out of all of us." Trip joked, and Jon had to smile a little at that. It was something that was a standing joke between the four of them. Trip, Jon, Erika and Veronica.

"Yeah." He mumbled in agreement, stopping at the edge of the desk again. He wasn't sure that she was right about him doing great things. Right now all he wanted was some peace and quiet. Enough time to mourn his personal losses of the war. The losses he hadn't been able to mourn. His friends, his crew, and Erika.

"Jon, take it from me. Accept that she loved you enough to wait until you were safe. She couldn't put a pause on moving on forever." He clapped him on the shoulder, and Jon knew that Trip was not only sharing his hope, but his beliefs, something the engineer had always kept to his chest. Jon took a breath and nodded slightly, knowing that would be all he could hope. He truly hoped that Erika was happy and comfortable now. "Did she say anything else?"

"That she would wait for me." Jon admitted. Why was saying that so much harder than anything else Erika had shared with him for the last 20 years. Considering the things that Trip knew about their relationship, it should have been one of the easier things, but it wasn't, it was harder than he'd ever thought it would be.

"Sounds like a promise to me." Trip said, and Jon had to stop and think about that. What if it wasn't just a platitude to hold him over. What if she really was going to wait on the other side for him. What if she was there and he just needed to be patient to see her again. He felt a smile growing slightly, that was a way he hadn't thought about, but he knew now. "Have you decided what you're saying in your speech tomorrow." Trip asked, bringing him back to the moment, when he needed to Captain Archer again for a few more days. Then he would take the promotion he was being offered and the desk job that came with it.

"No. I should work on that." He shrugged. He had nowhere else to go, and nothing else to do. _Enterprise_ was joining the mothball fleet in less than a week, and he was giving a speech at the peace ceremony. He was trying to make the speech cover the scope of the war, and that would include _Columbia_ and Erika and he wasn't sure how to make it not focused on them.

"You should. I'll read it through for you when it's done." Trip offered with a smile, and all Jon could do was grin. He hadn't expected talking about what Erika had told him to be as painful as it was. He couldn't help the way he was feeling. He probably had gotten too dependent on her being there, and that was why the idea of going alone was so terrifying. "Oh and Jon?" Was called when he was only a few steps from the corridor.

"Yeah?" He asked, stopping in the doorway, still thankfully out of sight of anyone else. He was pretty sure that his fitness to command would have been questioned had anyone else overheard this conversation. He was sure that it wasn't something major, but he had needed to just tell someone that Erika was gone for good. Saying the words had been painful, but they let him off in a way he didn't understand.

"I'm sorry." Trip finished with the most sympathetic tone Jon had heard in 5 years since _Columbia_ had been lost. He nodded, suddenly too overcome to speak. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, then turned round to bear hug his best friend. Somehow those two words had broken the dam again, but in the way Jon had needed. He needed to grieve properly now, and say goodbye to the woman he had loved for more than two decades. He had promised her that he wouldn't forget her, and that what he did now was dedicated to her memory. That much was clear, he closed his eyes still leaning against Trip slightly and gave a silent promise up to Erika, certain she could still hear him.

_"It's for you, it was always for you."_


	8. Epilogue

**And the epilogue. Thanks for reading, everyone. When "Little by Little" has finished posting the next fic will be called "What Kind Of Day Has This Been". That is a now completed story, so I hope to see you around for it.**

**Shin xx**

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_"It's for you, it was always for you."_

She was waiting at the doorway where she knew Jonathan would come through the door any moment, and he'd be joining her for good. She had seen him once or twice in the antechamber, but it had never been his time, and she'd needed to send him on his way.

Not this time though. This time she would be welcoming him to their world. It was time for him to join her and she was excited for that. She'd spent 80 years watching him, trying to get over the fact that they hadn't been together for that time. But now they would have all the time in the universe.

Jon had kept his promise, he'd never forgotten her. It had sometimes made her sad that he hadn't decided to move on. That he had spent the rest of his life alone. But she was proud of all that he had accomplished. As he walked up to her she couldn't help but let out a strangled cry. She had been waiting for this day.

"Erika?" He asked as he came into earshot, and she just opened her arms and gestured to the door behind her.

"Hello Jonathan, welcome home." She smiled, and within a few seconds he had realised what she was saying. She wasn't sending him back this time.

"It's my time?" He asked, somewhat unnecessarily, and looked around them.

"Yes. Welcome home." She repeated, then smiled as he ran to her and wrapped his arms around her to kiss her as hard as he could. "I have missed you so much." She said as she held him tightly. Watching over him hadn't been the same as being able to hold him, but now they were in the same world they could make up for all the lost time, and she had every intention of doing that.

_"I missed you too."_


End file.
